Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
