i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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