i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
