he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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