All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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