Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
