i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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