I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
