Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
