grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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