It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
How does one acquire holy water?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
