he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
birth control should be required to get into college
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
