Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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