Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
