i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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