First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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