Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
