Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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