i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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