i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
