my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
