I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
