FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
