Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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