And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
