Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.