I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
