The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
