There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
