she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
