the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
