He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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