Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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