All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
