I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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