Well apparently he's into motor boating.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
