I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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