Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
