i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
