Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
