I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
