Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
