he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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