I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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