god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
