new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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