A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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