Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
