Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
