He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
