I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
