My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
