it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
