My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
