Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
