I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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