I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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