Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
