if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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