We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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