My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
